The Holidays..

So I decided back in September or so that I'm just going to stay here in Provo for Christmas this year because I don't really have a "home" to go to. Nor do I really have money to pay for a flight and neither do my parents. Then I found out that my uncle from Georgia and his family were driving out for Thanksgiving so I would go down there for that instead of Christmas. I thought I would be fine with it but it seems I'm not.

Now I'm here actually facing it. Facing being alone for a full 2 weeks and having no family around for Christmas and all the celebrations. I do have a lot of things to get done over our break and stuff but it's not going to fill the time. I need to work to make money for the next semester too. I have been such a grinch/scrooge this Christmas so far and I can't seem to shake it. I was thinking about it the other day and I realized it's probably because I have nothing to look forward to. NOTHING! I'm done with this semester and what? Everyone leaves! I have zero family in Utah.. I know why the depression rate skyrockets this time of year.

I just tried to look up plane tickets to all 3 of my possible destinations and it's just too much. Tucson is the cheapest at $260 +/- but I still can't afford it and Georgia isn't too much more at $385 or so. I'm really tempted to just book the flight and worry about the money later but I can't let myself do that. I've been doing it all semester. I really shouldn't have bought the camera I did in October but I don't want to turn around and sell it.

I'm just going to have to face it.. I'm stuck. I need to make the most of it but even if I have an offer to go to someone's home (which I have a few) I know I'm just gonna be crying the whole day because them being with their family will remind me that I'm not with mine. Not that I want to be alone all day but at least I wouldn't have to worry what I look like in front of a bunch of strangers- like my mascara going all over my face or something. And I could do whatever I wanted and just not have to face anyone.. I don't know what to do.

For now... I'm going to study for my finals and see how this week goes. Who knows something could happen and change my perspective completely.. anything that happens changes my mood usually.. hey I'm a girl.. that's not new. :) So.. that's it for now I think. I don't want to write anymore. Bye!

I was tagged.. and kept a lot of Christina's answers.. haha

7 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1- Alias

2- Seinfeld

3- Boy Meets World

4- Rainbow Brite

5- Fraggle Rock

6- Saved by the Bell

7- Full House
(but really I never watch TV- unless I rent the Alias DVDs)

7 Things that Happened Yesterday

1-Went to Payson with Christina and ate at an awesome restaurant, Dalton's and then got our haircut at the salon next door. My hair is sooo cute! :)

2-Went to the mall with Christina and her roommates. I got a new hat and some lipgloss.

3-Procrastinated doing homework/studies.

4-Ate dinner with the Social Work Association students....wahoo free food!

5- Slept in a bit..

6-Ran to the grocery store to get some stuff for Christina's sick roomie.

7- Played on facebook.

7 Favorite Places to Eat:

1- Any family members house in Arizona.

2- Eegee's- love the ranch.. and fries and sandwiches.. just everything

3-Las Tarascas- 110% authentic mexican.. yummy!

4- Costa Vida (love love love the sweet pork salad)

5- Beyond Bread

6-J-Dawgs (best hotdogs ever!) and Smart Cookie!

7- Smart Cookie

7 Things I'm Looking Forward To:


1-Halloween trip to VEGAS!

2-Christmas Break

3- One day meeting my niece, Adrianna.

4-Graduating- though I don't know where I'll be living afterward. oh the great unknown.. I'm scared!

5-Weekends

6-Going to Arizona for Thanksgiving!

7- Life! (ya know the continuation of me living.. :) haha)

7 Things on My Wish List:

1-A Camera! (bigger and better than the one I just bought)

2- A nicer car with no messed up transmission

3-Warm weather, no winter!

4-To find a good job that I enjoy- in a state where I can handle the weather- after I graduate...

5-For the bands I like to schedule shows in UT...thanks.

6-A puppy...

7-World Peace :)

7 People I TAG: (yeah that means you do this!)

I don't have 7 friends that blog.. or that read my blog. One of the 2 that reads this tagged me.. therefore Aunt Mary you can do this is you want.. but no big.. :)

Goal Update

So i think I did pretty good this week. I called the Health Center and had an appointment on Monday where the doctor preceded to tell me he wasn't sure what was wrong and that he was referring me to a specialist. So now my specialist appointment is this Thursday at 2 pm.

Next- I got more caught up on my 402 homework but not completely. I'm making progress. I just really need to be completely caught up by the time we go to Vegas. I don't want to have to do homework while I'm on vacation.

And I bought a camera!!! I'm sooo super excited I just can't wait til it gets here. I bought it on Ebay and it's a Canon Rebel XSi DSLR. Again Dad can't know about it for a while but eventually he will find out.

and the last goal I set last week was for my religion class.. which I didn't do.. oh well. But I did actually do my classing which is kinda a first for this semester. So this week.. I'm going to start that class.. :)

New goals:
1. Start D&C class
2. Get completely caught up in 402 (stay caught up in 401)
3. Go to my Doctor's appt and hopefully I'll be told I don't have a brain tumor..
4. and learn how to use the camera I bought. If it comes this week.

Well that's all for now.. I'm eating dinner.. yum! :)

Motivation.. or the lack thereof

So I just got done with my first meeting with my entire council (well minus one). It went well but I had to apologize to the enrichment leaders of the different relief societies because I have a serious problem this semester with being motivated enough to anything productive. I'm pretty far behind on homework for most of my classes. I'm not really doing much with my BSWSA assignment- but really what am I supposed to do anyway besides delegate tasks which happened on Wednesday night (and it was more Fred doing the delegating than me per say). It's like I already have senioritis (spelling?) and I'm only halfway through this semester and I still have one more to go! ugh!

Also I need to sign up for my last religion class (I'm taking it independent study) I need to finish it before April so I can ACTUALLY graduate in April and not technically in August. So here my my goals for this week:

- Sign up for my D&C class and do at least the 1st weeks lesson
- get caught up in 402 (chapters 8-12)
- call the health center (again) to set up appt to get checked out (I've been dizzy a lot lately and it sucks)
- look into cameras more (I need to buy it SOON!- my dad can't know about this.. eek!)

This is a good week to do these things. The elementary school I'm interning at has fall break so I have more time on Thursday and Friday to get stuff done. I don't have to work my second job at all this week and I don't have supervision on Tuesdays for the next 3 weeks because my supervisor is in New Zealand.. This gives me a lot more time to actually get these things done. YAY!

Ok so I want people to hold me accountable for these things - mostly that's you Christina.. and maybe Aunt Mary :) since you are the only 2 who read this.. haha Ok.. now I should go be more productive!

That green-eyed monster...

So it seems I'm not very good at controlling my emotions sometimes. But really.. is that really news? I'm a girl..

All summer I lived alone. I was excited to get roommates when the new semester started. It was a bit of a rocky start with both girls but I get along really well with one.. and not so well with the other. She's fine and all- she's never home so I don't ever really see her but when she is home she's been turning on the air conditioning and leaving the windows WIDE open. Anyways that's not the point of this blog.

I had a friend that was gone all summer and for our last school year she was going to be living in the same complex as me and we were going to have a great year together. Well her roommates are super awesome (I got to know them a bit over the summer while she was gone) and she gets along with them so well. I'm jealous of that.. why couldn't I get the super friendly/cool roommates. I endured the entire summer alone!

Today I sat in my empty apartment (when I wasn't at her apartment) and was just bored. I'm trying to make sure I have other friends around to do stuff with but it doesn't seem to be working. (I need to work harder on that.) So I ended up going down to her place until we went to ward prayer. Recently she's been deciding if she likes this one guy- he's way nice and I keep telling her she should but she's just being a girl (we've talked about how girl brains suck!). When she and her roommate were leaving "linger longer" he asked her if they wanted to go over to their place. I was standing right there but I didn't get asked to join. I'm not a fan of being left out of things especially when it's right in front of me but I wasn't about to invite myself.

Instead I just realized that I HATE jealousy. I've been hanging out with her all weekend and I don't have to go along with her wherever she goes but I don't have anyone else to do stuff with. If my roommates were home I would have been fine staying home but they weren't. So I ended up walking around a bit a moping.. dumb!

Satan is really good at getting me down on myself over the simplest things. I hate it!!! It's not her fault and I don't blame her at all for wanting to go hang out with them but Satan uses things like that to get me to second guess my worth and self-confidence. It's something I'm trying to work on but it's hard. That's why writing it out helps.

I hope when she reads this she isn't mad or anything.. I'm not mad at her- just myself and my really, really dumb girl brain and Satan for using it against me. That's all for now.

My 2 1/2 hour drive..

So lately I've been feeling really down and I'm not sure why. I got a message on facebook from someone I haven't talked to in at least 10 months and I don't want to talk to really. Everything that he represents in my life is hard to deal with... does that make any sense? I learned a lot from him but I just can't handle being in contact with him on a regular basis. He is married now and I know his wife as well but I can't feel the way I felt before. I just can't. I think that's part of it- why I've been feeling down.

In high school this feeling came at least once a month or every 3 weeks and I welcomed it. I would lay in bed for hours on end listening to music, staring at the wall and thinking about life until I eventually feel asleep (usually). I think it gave me an excuse to not actually care or do anything worthwhile. Since I've started going back to church this comes much less often- but it still comes. I also think it's partly from me expecting things from certain people that I have no right to expect. I think that certain people in my life should be doing certain things either to/for me and when they don't I get kinda depressed.. but it's totally me.

I have tons of homework that I'm behind on and all I want to do is stay home and lay in bed all over again. Friday night me and some friends were supposed to have a bonfire up in the canyon but we had to cancel it because a girl in our ward was having a birthday party and we didn't want to compete so we cancelled it. This feeling set in on Friday so I wanted to go up and have a bonfire anyways even if it was just me.. I didn't care. I ended up going to the birthday party and having fun.. and Saturday was the Relief Society broadcast so I watched that even though I didn't want to do anything again. Sunday after church I decided I was going to go for a drive so I did. Back in Tucson that's what I would do a lot when I was really mad or just wanted to think- I would just drive.

So I headed into Provo Canyon and I thought I'd just go into it for a bit and then stop and park somewhere and turn around and come back. I didn't. I ended up driving all the way through the canyon into Heber City, through Park City and into Salt Lake City. I headed to the airport for no reason in Salt Lake and stopped for a few minutes. Then I headed back to Provo. I was gone a total of 2 and half hours. Roundtrip to Salt Lake and back the normal way takes approximately an hour and a half. Well I did waste a lot of gas but I felt a little better but I'm still feeling a bit down. I'm trying to get over it but I'm not sure how else to make it go away. Well I need to get going for the moment.. I'll see how this plays out and update soon hopefully. :)

Update

So... life.. hmm..

haha Well I wanted to just write a general update but not much has been going on and I don't really have the time to sit and think about all the deep things I was pondering over the summer. But well let's see. School has started and my classes seem like they are going to be really good- especially soccer! :D My birthday party was pretty good. It definitely could have been better but I had fun none the less. I've started my internship and I am slowly working on getting everything going for that. It's been interesting so far. Some teachers give me the weirdest looks but whatever. I'm there for the year so they will just have to deal with me I guess. (Oh ya.. fyi.. I'm working at an elementary school in Orem for my internship.. ) :) So I'm there about 13-14 hours a week then I'm working 12-15 hours between my 2 actual jobs then classes, a social life, a church calling and being in a club presidency on top of it all! So I'm pretty dang busy but you know.. it's just 4 months. We'll see how I manage to get through it. :)

Here are some future events- sort of:

I'm getting everything else on my car fixed this week so it should be completely operational by wednesday.. whoo hoo!

I'm planning a trip to Vegas for Halloween so that should be fun.

And there are about 9 concerts I'm trying to go to between September 26th and November 18th. HA! We'll see.. I'm definitely going to at least 5 of them though. :) I love concerts!

That's all for now.

Why now?

So I went and saw Ironman with a friend and her roommate. In the middle of the movie I got a call from my mom but I ignored it since I was in the theatre. Almost immediately I started worrying about what was wrong. My mom only ever calls when something has happened so I didn't know what to think especially given that it was 11 pm her time.

Once we were out of the theatre I check my messages and yep my suspicions were confirmed. Jessica was in Connecticut and in the hospital. She flew out yesterday and I talked to her while she had a lay over in North Carolina and tonight she's in the hospital. Mom said they found out that she has diabetes. Her sugar was at 600 but now it's down to about 245 last she heard or something.

Well I'll update more later.. I'm pretty tired right now.

Passion and Determination

I’ve been thinking about these really deep sorts of things at random times. Today was one of them. Here it is:

I was lying on the couch at work watching my co-worker, Mike, play the piano. All he was doing was sitting there playing and I just loved watching him just having fun but still you could tell he enjoyed what he was doing. Then my thoughts drifted to how I love people who have a passion and a love for what they do. Then I thought of my “facebook friend” Devin who I really don’t know much about except that he is extremely passionate about what he wants to do with his life. I only know this because I ask about all the projects he works on and I see his status’ on facebook about how he knows what he wants, how he’s going to get it, how he loves what he does and things like that. His determination to meet his goals really inspires me.

So this got me thinking about my family and how no one is really truly passionate about anything and that is sad. I guess I’m mostly thinking of work and careers and things of that nature but really overall I can’t think of anything that one of us has seriously loved doing or learning about. Neither of my parents went to college so my entire life I’ve seen my family just exist in a way but not really living life or having goals at all. My dad pretty much taught himself how to work on and build computers but I don’t know if he was passionate about it necessarily. He used to be an electrician but now he is managing computer networks for all the Naval hospitals in New England. My mom has worked in retail her entire life and she hates it. Before I moved to Provo I was making more money than her at a call center job while she was working in Barnes and Noble as a manager. She loves people and I think that is why she stays in these jobs so long but in general she hates retail but she keeps getting sucked back in because that is all she knows.

A few years ago after she married JP she was talking about going back to school and I was so excited for her. She’s always had this dream of owning her own business. I remember when I was a lot younger she wanted to build an indoor go-kart track/mini golf/arcade type place in my hometown on this land that to this day just sits there and no one does anything with it. I know that would have taken over hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of dollars to build and maintain but it would have been awesome. She ended up not starting classes because she felt like she was too old or maybe she didn’t think she was smart enough and that’s all I get out of her when I ask about it or things like it’s not for her even after I tell her about some of the women in my classes here at BYU (but it is a bit different for her because she has a 4 year old at home still).

Now to me- I’ve been passionate about a lot of things in my life but in my family when I would start talking about something that I thought was important I always felt like I got shot down and so I’d end up giving it up and moving on. For example in 6th grade when we were learning about the rainforests and the rate at which they are/were getting chopped down I started a petition around my grade to President Clinton asking him to do something about it. But one of the friends was helping me and he asked one of our teachers to sign it and she asked if I had permission from the principal, which I had no idea I needed. Well that was the end of that. And again recently I’ve been fighting for the BSW program at BYU and trying to help people understand why it’s so important to keep it and try and help dispel the myths that surround all social work professionals. Those are just the first 2 that came to mind.

I can’t really speak for my siblings so much though. They are still growing, maturing and figuring out what they want to do with their lives but I still don’t see them passionate about anything. I think my entire family (myself included many times) are extremely complacent and just “go with the flow” instead of trying to change things or become heaveily involved in anything at all. I’ve been able to take the time to figure out what I want to do and I know that I want to help people. I know that I will get a Master’s degree and go out and do something for those that cannot do it for themselves. Law school has recently become an idea that I’m not sure I’m ready to except or pursue yet. But I know that if I do decide to go through with it I will be successful because I know it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. (This is an idea I’ve been fighting for a while.. not something I ever really wanted to do) I would be fine just getting my Master’s and working as a social worker but if Heavenly Father wants me to help people by advocating for them through law then I’ll do it- even though it scares me to death. : /

Where would this world be if no one were passionate about anything?

It would be udderly boring and we wouldn’t have progressed to this point in society or technology or ANYTHING! I recently went and toured the Crandall printing museum here in Provo where they told us all about how Guttenberg designed his printing press and I think he had to invent hundreds of different tools and things in order to actually print a single page. Without that 1 single man, Guttenberg, we would still be in the dark ages!!! What a scary thought! Boy am I glad he never gave up!

So even though I don't know much else about him I’m so grateful to know people like Devin who are really and truly passionate about what they do and they pursue it wholeheartedly. He can do whatever he wants because he believes in himself and is determined. He can change the world through his movies if that what he wants or whatever.. the sky’s the limit! I need people like that around me to be an example because in my family I’ve never really seen it. Now I can see that passion and determination is SO essential to not only the progression of society as a whole but to the progression of me as an individual.

I hope everyone can find something that they are passionate about and use that passion to change not only the world around you but who you are for the better. It’s only a bad thing if you use it wrong (ie: the Joker) so therefore use it for good.. : )

Stubborn and Independent

I am a very independent individual. I was telling my friend Genae about this on our way back from St. George before my car blew up. It’s been on my mind for a while before that as well.

I was thinking about it a little more today and I almost think it is linked to the idea that I feel disposable. I’ll explain. I think that I have taken on a completely independent sort of personality because I don’t feel that I can completely trust anyone with either just doing something I need them to do or with giving parts of myself to them because at any moment they’ll leave me and in either situation I’ll be left in pieces being the only one to put everything back together. Does that make any sense?

I know I was pretty independent but when I had to move this last time and I found that I simply could not ask anyone to help me. I have helped several of my friends move since being here at BYU but I COULD NOT ask them to help me. Genae was one of those people I’ve helped and I told her this. She offered to help when she knew I was moving but I couldn’t call to ask her. I ended up moving 5 carloads of my stuff all alone into a 3rd floor apartment. The relief society presidency offered to help and I didn’t call them either. After I moved in I figured this all out and I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t ask anyone for help even with something this simple.

Something else that I recently worked out in my head was that fact that I’m stubborn. I was talking to my sister, Jess, one day about trying to tel our family not to come out for my graduation in April because I was just going to be getting my Master’s the next year so it’s dumb to spend that much money to come out twice when my Master’s graduation is definitely he more important one. She said something along the lines of “well that’s our family.. we’re stubborn.”. I had always considered myself determined or strong willed in a way but I never labeled myself as stubborn until she said that. It’s so true though. If I decide that I’m not going to do something there are VERY few ways, which you will actually get me to do it.

In the context of the gospel and church this is kind of a good thing. When I was inactive I promised myself I would never go back to church. I’ve kept every other promise I’ve ever made myself but I’m glad I broke that one. Since I’ve come back and I’ve gained a testimony I’ve made the decision and promised myself in a way that I’ll never leave the church. I will stay strong and I won’t go anywhere because of my stubbornness- if nothing else. : )

It has helped me in school too because I’m extremely determined to graduate and to get my Master’s. No one else in my family has gone to college.. Some extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) have taken classes and gotten their associates degrees and things but out of my immediate family I’m the only one that has pursued any further education thus far. Granted I am the oldest in my family but 4 out of the 5 are out of high school and I’m the only one in school. Jess wants to go but can’t get her financial situation stable enough. Kym started but dropped out 2 weeks later because she didn’t have a car (which is really needed in Connecticut which doesn’t have public transportation for the most part) and hasn’t done anything so she can start again. And Mike didn’t even make it out of high school (he got his GED). I now have this option that keeps floating through my head about law school, which is HUGE! I would get my Master’s in Social Work and a law degree at the same time. If I pursue that track I will succeed because I want it and my stubbornness will help me through it. : )

I don’t know. There are good and bad sides to everything, right?

That’s all for now but I have more on my mind about this so I’ll probably add to this post later. : )

Car Problems

ugh.. I hate having car problems. I'll write more later.. I just hope it's not toast! :(

So here is the story.

My friend Genae and I decided last Friday that we wanted Jack in the Box. The only problem with that is that there are no Jack in the Box(es) in Utah. The closest ones to Provo are either in Idaho or St. George. So we went to St. George. Overall it was a fun trip. We ate there for lunch and then went shopping until her friend called her. Then we stopped by his house for a bit to visit and took off for some frozen custard and to see the view from the black mountain. The trip back wasn't bad either. Until we got to about mile marker 241 (I think).

I had the cruise control on and we were heading up a hill when it just shut itself off. I thought it was weird but then pressed on the gas and we kept moving but we weren't accelerating like we should have been. The temperature gauge didn't say anything to indicate that it was overheating so I was afraid it was the transmission or something else. It got to the point that we were only going about 60 when the car just shut itself off. I was able to get to the side of the road safely though. We opened the hood because it was smoking and as far as we could tell from the light of our cell phones there was antifreeze all over the engine compartment. (At least that's what I'm assuming it is.. that's what it looked like) There was one part of the engine that was RED hot.. but the smoke wasn't coming from it as far as I could tell.

We were about a half hour from Provo so I called my home teacher, Joseph, to see if he could come get us. Thankfully he was able so him and his girlfriend, Michelle, came and got us. I tried starting the car before we left but it just made some funny noise that I can't explain. We moved all our stuff into Joseph's car and locked the doors. I hated leaving it there but really what else could I have done?

I woke up this morning, called my insurance company to get a tow company out there and then called the dealership I brought it to last time to let them know it was coming in. This is the second time in a year I've had to to my car. grr.. Well I guess I'm not going anywhere for a long while. They haven't called me to tell me what was wrong with it or anything but they said they were pretty busy today so hopefully they'll get to it tomorrow. I HATE this.. oh well. I just pray it's not going to cost thousands to fix. I'll have to wait and see though. :(


Update: I got the call today from the dealership and they told me that the car overheated so much that it caused too much damage and that I'll have to replace the engine which like I was afraid of is going to cost about $3000 +/-... grrr!!! I don't know what I'll do but I need to go to work now..

Definitely, Maybe

I just finished watching the movie Definitely, Maybe and it really.... I dunno what it did to me. The phrases touched me, spoke to me, etc aren't exactly right but well I cried.. quite a bit actually. and the funny thing is I really don't know why I cried so hard. My story isn't really close to the plot line at all. I do identify with the daughter, Maya, in many different ways but I seemed to get really emotional on the parts where she was trying to either get answers about her dad's past or help him in some way. I see a lot of myself in her. I've never been much the questioning/curious type. I tend to just take what I'm told as truth but the good with the bad. (that will be another post sometime probably)

Growing up when my mom used to get frustrated with us she would tell us, "I'm gonna divorce you kids!". There were times when my parents would fight to the point that one of them would just leave. I remember one specific time we were living in our trailer and I don't know what they were fighting about but I just remember standing there on the porch with the rest of the family and my mom was getting into our white car with the red velvet feeling upholstery (that's all I know- not make and model or anything) and she was screaming at me to make a choice. It was either her or dad... I couldn't make myself move. She didn't yell at any of the other kids to choose just me. I stood on the porch dumbfounded that a girl my age (I was between 8 and 10 probably) had to choose between the 2 most important people in her life. I never thought anyone would make me choose between them. She didn't wait long. She took off and I don't know where she went or what she did but eventually she did came back. I just stood their crying my eyes out and then I eventually moved to my room and cried some more.

I was thinking the other night about how I want to tell her that she needs to change the way she handles things with Cody because even though I know she loves me, is glad that I'm around and that she didn't end up giving me up for adoption I still think that I'm disposable. That she'll just leave me there standing on the porch but she won't ever come back. And that has now translated itself into all other relationships with everyone from friends, and other family or boys I've liked and such. There's too many times when I feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone. I KNOW it's not true but Satan definitely uses that and gets me so discouraged and down on myself that I can't see past it. To the point where I can't get out of the downward spiral that everyone gets stuck in once in a while (or more often depends on who you are).

This happens to my mom quite often as well. And like Maya I need to protect her and be the one to tell her everything is going to be ok. To tell her that she means the world to me and she's the best mom ever. I don't say those things just to make her feel better. I sincerely mean them. I love my mom and I am SO scared of what is going to happen to me when she dies (in like a million years but it'll happen sometime) but there's times when it hangs over my head and I can't even fathom the possibility of what will happen to my world then.

I don't want this to sound like I don't love my dad like I love my mom because I do but me and my mom are a lot more alike so our relationship seems to have more emotionally charged issues.. if that makes any sort of sense. I have issues with my dad but.. I don't really know how to explain it.

I went to counseling for a few sessions like 4 years ago and he told me my relationship with my mom is a role reversal. I'm more of the parent and my mom is more of the child. So I still feel this need to protect her. Maya kind of does this in the movie. At one point she is asking all these questions about the women he's previously dated and he asks her why she's so interested and asking all these things. She tells him, "I want you to be happy." and he replies, "I am happy." She says, "No you're not." That was another of my more teary moments. That's what I do with mom but since she got remarried I don't feel like she is as honest with me as she once was when I lived with her. I've lost that side of our relationship to JP and I miss it. I miss knowing all her thoughts and feelings on her life. I miss being able to sit on her bed with her and just talking about whatever is going on in life. And ya she's just a phone call away but she has a whole life that I'm not a part of. I'm like 3000 miles away and can't be there to hold her hand when I feel like the world is crushing me or when the world is crushing her. I miss her....

I have this need to know if she is happy but at the same time I know she's not. Cody makes a huge difference. She can focus on him and his needs but eventually like me he is going to leave. What will her relationship with JP be like then? Will she be able to make it through? I'm not even sure she's making it through now. I worry but I'm just trying to take care of myself now.

Wow this got really long and more personal than I thought it would but well this is why I started this blog. I need to get all this out so.. there it is.. at least this part for now.

My memory

I was thinking at work today about how my memory is different than anyone else's I've ever met long enough to have a conversation with and learn about them and their stories. Sometimes I get really really frustrated that no one else can remember things like I can. When I tell stories I tend to get into way too much detail that most people don't care about. But for me I have to say it all out loud or I get messed up and miss things.. or something like that.. I'm not sure.

For example I was telling my friend Genae today about this boy I used to be friends with and how he randomly found me a few times even after I moved across the country. I couldn't remember a lot of the details and I think that was because I've cut him out of my life and it's been years since I've been even willing to think about him let alone talk to him.

And I tend to remember people super easily- I am subject to forgetting names every now and then but for the most part I remember most of the people that have had even the smallest impact on my life. That's part of the frustrating part- meeting people over and over again and being the one to remember their names but they have no idea who I am. When people ask me if I know someone it is not uncommon for me to know who they are but never ever had an actual conversation with them. Even hearing about people in friend stories I'll even remember their names and most likely the story later on as well.

It's really weird how it works. I can remember all these things about people but I can't remember how to do fairly simple math or history well really most general school subjects. But I do know music. When I was 9 years old I remember hearing Bobby Brown's song "My Prerogative" and after listening to it once I knew nearly all the words. Even now I've had friends ask how I know so many songs but I can't explain it. I was at lunch last semester with some friends (Christina and Fred) at J-Dawg's by campus and I was singing along with some pretty old song and Fred asked how I knew so many songs (or something to that effect) and I didn't have an explanation. I still don't.

I've already said this but this blog is for me to get all my memories out. As I remember things and write about them I get those details back and then can add them in to each story I write about later as they come. That's the great thing about typing all this out instead of handwriting it. Well I need to go..

My "brief" history..

I wanted to write the brief history I usually tell people just in case someone reads one of my stories and doesn't understand how it relates to the rest of my life.. I guess. I'm not sure if that makes sense but oh well. In order to understand some aspects of my life people seem to need to know my general background to be able to put it into context. In later posts I'll go into more detail but this is the reader's digest version I guess you could say... so here it is:

I was born to a 19-year-old woman who was living in Tucson, Arizona September 6, 1982. I have never known my biological father. When I was 8-years-old I found out this fact (story to come later). My mom met the man I call my dad at an Institute dance in Tucson while my dad was serving in the army in Fort Huachaca (Sierra Vista, AZ). When I was 2 years old they were married- October 5, 1984 in the Mesa Arizona Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We lived in Sierra Vista for a little bit and then moved back across the country to Connecticut where my dad is from.

In relation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we were active until I was about 6 or 7 years old. By this time 3 siblings had joined our family- Michael, Jessica, and Kymberley. When I was 10 years old I was taught by the missionaries of The Church and was baptized February 28, 1993. As far as i can remember we went inactive again within months. The missionaries would come over randomly at various points throughout life that I can remember and we had the same home teacher that stopped by every couple years or something like that. That was the extent of my contact with the church until I was about 17. By this time I was a senior at Montville High School. The missionaries started coming over more and more frequently. I hated it!! I was so mean to them whether they called or rode their bikes half hour to come see us. I was determined not to ever go back to church- I made a promise to myself that I would never go back and the promises I made to myself I always kept. I didn't see any need for any religion so I was a jerk to the missionaries but they kept coming over.

The Elders started teaching my sisters the discussions. I would lock myself in my bedroom and my window faced the street so I watch them walking out to their car and I'd finally leave my room when I knew they were completely gone. The Elders names were (Brandon) Smith and (Drew) Chisholm. One day they were over and I had been sick that day so I was tired of being in my room so I went out and sat in the living room while they were teaching my sisters. I remember it was Christmastime because our tree was up. I don't really remember a whole lot about the lesson but I think they were teaching out the organization of The Church using cups and stacking them into the shape of a chapel or a temple I don't remember.

The girls were baptized January 11, 2000. They asked me to go and I didn't really want to but I did to be a supportive older sister. At the baptism as they were changing into dry clothes we watched a video called "On the way home" which depicts a story of a little girl who is hit and killed by a car and her family trying to deal with it. They somehow learn about eternal families (I forget if it's missionaries or a neighbor or someone else) and I was balling like a baby. That is pretty much where everything changed for me when it came to The Church.

I graduated high school June 2000. I hadn't even applied to any colleges so I worked in a department store, Filene's, for the next year. My parents separated summer 2001- my mom went to visit her dad and (step)mom in Tucson for a month while us kids stayed with dad and then we joined her out there for about a month and a half so each of them could have their alone time to think about things and stuff. 2 weeks before we were to go back to Connecticut I told my mom I wanted to move to Arizona by myself. We worked it out so I would be living with my grandparents and I booked my ticket for August 16 to go back. I took 2 weeks at home to pack and hang out with friends and the family before making the big move.

The next 6+ months were pretty hard for me. My 19th birthday was just 5 days before 9/11 and my dad works at a naval base so along with the rest of the country we were trying to sort through everything. My brother was jumped and nearly killed October 4th. Thanksgiving I couldn't go home and was really homesick. December 21st (?) my dad's only brother, my Uncle Allen, died. Christmas day I was sick and just wanted to be home. My first trip home was spring break (March 2002). While there my mom told me that her and dad were getting divorced. She decided that in February right before I told her we needed new family pictures because the ones hanging in my grandparents house were like 12 years old at least (Kym was 6 months in the photo). I was the only kid to know until my siblings spring break in April. My mom then moved to Georgia in May (I think) and my sisters joined her a few weeks later when school was out.

My dad starting dating right away and they were married September 1, 2007. My mom got pregnant in 2003. She had Cody January 27, 2004 and married his father August 2004. It was/is weird because I'm 21 years older than Cody but he's the cutest, funniest kid for the most part. I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. :)

Currently I'm in school at BYU and I plan on graduating April (2009) with my bachelor's in social work and then head straight into grad school somewhere. I guess that's it for now..

A little something to start out with..

I love dancing!! I don't know exactly where I get it from but I love it! My parents like to dance too so that could be part of it but I think only me and one of my sisters like to dance. My brother and other sister don't so I don't know how exactly it all came about but well.. I love it!!! 

I currently live alone in a 2 bedroom apartment. I just spent the last 45 minutes dancing around my living room alone and it was great- except I would rather be dancing around with a bunch of other people! It's going to be weird when I have roommates again and I'll probably have to move my dancing back into my room (which isn't much of a problem as long as I keep it clean- I have a very large room). 

While I was dancing around I wondered why I never throw parties- more specifically dance parties- especially while I'm living alone. Even in my last apartment we had talked about it and never did it and we had a very large, hardwood floor living room. So I think I'm gonna start a Saturday night dance party tradition.. well at least til the end of the summer. Hopefully I'll get cool roommates and they will want to continue it but I can do it alone until that time comes. Now I just need to build my music collection a little more each week so I'm not playing the same 30 songs over and over each week... if you have any suggestions on songs I should acquire let me know! I think I have a pretty good variety but I can definitely afford to get more.  

Welcome

Well I know everyone and their mom has a blog these days. I have one I started back in 2001 when I moved across the country to keep in touch with a few high school friends but that one needs to be kept secret from the rest of the world so I started this one for a couple different reasons. 

First was this idea I have of writing a book. A few years ago when I was going through a pretty interesting time one of my uncles jokingly said I should write a book because no one is ever going to believe the things I've been through. Even though I know he was mostly joking it really stuck with me. I don't write because I think I'm special or have had experiences that others haven't but I have learned a ton about myself and my family and I want to preserve my memories and the lessons I've learned from these experiences. I expect that I'm going to be completely honest and forthcoming with the things I write here. I am nervous about what people will say or think but really- this is for me. This is for my family (current and future) and if someone else happens to get something from it then great! I'll be glad if that happens because I know I learn from my friends writings and experiences. But these are the things that have helped shape me into the person I am today. And this will be a way for me to organize my writing for possible future publishing or whatever I end up doing with it. (trust me I'm not a real writer so don't expect any super literary amazing-ness. If you are looking for that check out my friends Emma's or Calvin's blogs :)

Second was an article in the July 2008 Ensign about sharing the Gospel through the internet. I had an experience last weekend where I was able to talk at length with a friend from out of town and now I'm working on helping him understand more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and our beliefs and teachings along with another friend who introduced me to him. I think by sharing my life stories I might be able to help others understand how the gospel of Jesus Christ has completely changed my life around from where I was before I had it. 

So if you feel like it stop by now and then to see what I'm writing. I might add current events and things because they are what are getting me through life now but I'll have to see how it goes. I ended up only writing in my last blog/journal when I was angry and having a hard time so I'm going to try not to do that this time around. A lot of the things I'm currently thinking about writing are pretty negative and hard things I've been through but I'm going to make an effort to write about the happy and great times in life as well. Well I guess that's all for now.