Music is... my life

The past few weeks there have been several songs that I keep finding myself listening to over and over and a few of them just keep making me cry. I just wanted to take a minute and write my thoughts and feelings down on some of these. I don't think I have time for all but maybe this will be multiple entries.

1. Right Where I Belong by: Good Charlotte Here is a link to the song on youtube and the lyrics below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvfWPXkJsQ

"As I leave the empty station,
First thing I see is the sun over the mountains.
West Hastings Street, anxiously waiting.
That's when I feel that God is all around me.
And I don't know where to begin, to say I'm sorry for my sins,
So I collapse into your open arms...

I'm sorry it took me so long,
Out here, for me to find my way back home.
I didn't have a reason,
For when I stopped believing,
But I needed you to know
That I'm right where I belong.

Now I see everything clearly,
In the rearview,
That you were right beside me.
So long ago, my voice of reason,
It disappeared, along with my convictions
And now I know where it begins,
Accept forgiveness for my sins,
And just collapse into your open arms...

I'm sorry it took me so long,
Out here, for me to find my way back home.
I didn't have a reason,
For when I stopped believing,
But I needed you to know
That I'm right where I belong.

If all we are is where we've been,
Then I know where I want to be.
No matter how far I drift again,
You keep a light for me
Out here, so I can find my way back home...
I didn't have a reason for when I stopped believing,
But I needed you to know that I'm right where I belong now, with you

So I'll stay quiet in your arms.
Words don't have the meaning,
There's no use in repeating,
But I needed you to know
That I'm right where I belong."

For me this song just kinda says it all. My life has not been where it needs to be in a VERY long time. (very long for me = ~5 years) When I finally got this album in December 2010 I remember this being one of the songs that really touched me (but the WHOLE album is AMAZING). Tonight again it just touched me and I totally cried while driving down the highway.

2. Sing for Me- Yellowcard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PTSGfQffTQ

"Look at me
And listen close
So I can tell you how I feel before I go
Just a year
It's not much time
For me to show you I am proud that you are mine

I wish I had known the future in my heart
Was just about to start

Save tomorrow
I can't follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you
Always near you
And I'll give you the words just sing for me

Every lock
On every door
I put them there to try and hide you from the world
And you kicked
Yeah, you screamed
You never understood, you're everything to me

I just hope you know, the future in your heart
Is just about to start

Save tomorrow
I can't follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you
Always near you
And I'll give you the words just sing for me

No looking back when I am gone (sing for me)
Follow your heart it's never wrong (sing for me)
No looking back when I am gone (sing for me)
Don't second guess the note you're on

Out of time
All out of fight
You are the only thing in life that I got right

Save tomorrow
I cant follow you there
Just close your eyes and sing for me
I will hear you
Always near you
And I'll give you the words just sing for me

Woah-oh-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh-oh
Just close your eyes and sing for me (sing for me)
Woah-oh-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh-oh
Just close your eyes and sing for me"

I bolded my FAVORITE lyric in this song.. Last weekend I went to my moms and I listened to this whole album and I don't know how many times and EVERY time this song came on I cried. Again the ENTIRE album is simply flawless but this song in particular gets to me.

3. Guts- All Time Low

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYwMQsmoUDo

"Shooting for the stars,
Desperately reaching for something in the dark,
Pictures of memories buried in my heart,
Lie awake and dream of the endless possibilities,
Catch my breathe and go for it.

Take a part, everything that's holding me down.
Make a point,
To pick a new direction, to make a new connection.

Is this what it feels like?
Finding out, that I've got the guts to say anything.
Feels like breaking out, when I can give up my reputation.
Finally, I can see honestly, I've got the guts to say anything.

Old enough to fall,
Flat on my face when I walk as they crawl.
Slowing down is just a waste of time to let go,
Tapping my fingers to the rhythm of a metronome, counting opportunities.

Take a part of gravity that's holding me down
Make a point,
To find a resolution, to be my own solution.

Is this what it feels like?
Finding out that I've got the guts to say anything.
Feels like breaking out, when I can give up my reputation.
Finally I can see honestly, I've got the guts to say anything.

Let me go down, let me go (let me go down alone)
Let me go down (just let me go down)
If i'm gonna go down (then just let me go)
Let me go down, let me go down (just let me go)
(Let me go)

Is this what it feels like?
Finding out, that I've got the guts to say anything.
Feels like breaking out, when I can give up my reputation.
Finally, I can see honestly, I've got the guts to say anything."

This song might just be my new life anthem. Along with the chorus the bolded lyrics are my FAVORITE! I love everything about this song. My entire life I've never felt like I had the guts to really say anything. I'm pretty shy and introverted and I'm trying to find that within myself to just break out a bit more. I'm struggling to make friends even though I've lived here 2 years now. It's definitely a process I'm working on.. this song has helped me feel like I can do it.. I can have the guts to say anything.. do anything.

I'm getting tired so maybe that'll be all for this post.. trying to think of the other songs I want to share/write on.. there are SO many on Yellowcard's album When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes.. I'll have to listen to the album again and narrow it down a bit.. or even just get specific lyrics. I'll have to think some more.. these 3 are the main ones I've wanted to write about recently.

Sundays seem to be my blogging days..

So I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm not going to let my life be determined by others. I'm going to work on being more proactive for myself. I CAN'T let myself wait around for my best friend's boyfriend decide if they have a date a particular night so I know if I have plans or not.. that's SOOOO backwards, isn't it? I love Christina and I love hanging out with her but like I've pretty much said in previous posts: I've put all my proverbial eggs into 1 friendship basket. That basket is slowly being overturned and there is nothing I can do about it- except pick up those dropped eggs and find new baskets for them. So that is my new plan.

I'm going to try to make plans for myself instead of me and Christina or me Christina AND Deavon. I can't live their lives.. only my own. I feel like I spend more time waiting on Christina to get a real answer from Deavon than I ever get to spend with just her anymore. I'm happy she's happy but I'm in a rut. I don't want to make her choose either cuz that's not realistic and just dumb but I hope he understands that I CAN'T see her any other time than the weekend. I can't just drive down for a night during the week to hang out. Weekends are ALL I have.

I feel bad because what would I do if roles were reversed and I was in her shoes? Being practically glued at the hip to someone for 3.5 years is a hard habit/expectation to break. I just need to makes plans for me and if she is free and wants to join than she's more than welcome.. otherwise I know what I'm doing and not waiting around for someone else (not just her or Deavon- last Friday I was waiting for someone else to call that never did).

And here is what I typed in my phone last week at church:

It's not about me.. make it about others. Welcoming them and being an example for others. I've been worrying about myself too much- its not about me. I want to serve more. I used to hang out at church until nearly the last person left- now I leave as soon as the meetings are over. (insert- I also had church earlier and wasn't starving to eat in that ward like I am now) Don't judge others- mainly no snap judgments.

Hope that wasn't too random but ya know.. it's just whatever comes out of my brain. haha

I think I'm regressing...

Just a quick thought that passed through my head while checking out my newest fb friends profile pics.

Recently I've started hanging out with people that are quite a few years younger than me (7-10 years younger) and it just seems funny to me. They are all great people and we have the same taste in music but I think back to when i was younger and i never even played with my cousins. At family gatherings I was ALWAYS the 1 cousin that sat upstairs and pretty much just listened to what all the adults were talking about. I fall in the upper middle agewise of the cousins on my dads side but always felt more comfortable with the adults than with my cousins- even just the ones older than me.

Once I moved to Arizona I actually started hanging out with people my own age for the most part. I mean I had a few friends that were maybe 10 years older and in my ward but age-wise it was a lot closer than my parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Then moving to Utah for school my friend base became those other students who tended to be just a little younger than me because I didn't go to school right away and took my time but I did have friends my age there too- just the overall age of people there was younger.

Now here in Atlanta I've made these new friends in the last couples months at shows and they range in age from 16-20/21. Yesterday i went to 6 Flags with them and had a BLAST! and it was the girl I met there that I was looking at on fb that prompted this post. haha.. the random workings of my brain. I'll have to see if this trend continues.. I kinda hope it doesn't. Cuz that would get AWKWARD. lol

Have you ever.... ?

Have you ever felt like your heart no longer resided in your body?
That it was stuck in a place thousands of miles away from where you are? (1,755 miles to be exact)
I get homesick fairly often.. and unfortunately this is one of those weekends.

Most times this occurs I try and figure out if something triggers it.. this is what has happened recently:
I'm fostering/housetraining a puppy named Arizona.. and NO I didn't name her.
Friday night I went to see Austin Gibbs/Augustana/The Maine. Both Austin and The Maine are from Arizona.
Christina and I went and did an endowment session yesterday afternoon and sitting in the temple I started thinking about some of the things from my last blog entry and started crying. And it made me think of who/how I was when I lived there. Also when looking up the schedule for the Atlanta temple the Mesa temple is the first temple to show up on lds.org's temple page. Just that pic has caused me to cry before.
In Sacrament meeting today I thought of my friend Sarah DeMoss and how much I missed her and really everyone in Arizona. I have SOO many amazing friends there and great family too! I miss them ALL SOO much! My cousin's graduation just north of Tucson was this weekend too.

A lot of this I think comes down to the fact that I'm choosing not to get too close to people out here. I don't want to be here. I rather be in Arizona and it is my plan is to eventually move back. I can't do that for a few years because of my financial situation so I need to learn how to make the best of this little "pit stop" in my life. It's funny (ironic) that when I did have the time to go to FHE and Institute I didn't want to go and now that I have a job where I work nights and can't go, I want to. Isn't that how live goes though? ugh.

I made a comment today in sunday school something about having your priorities straight when going to the temple/serving (I don't even remember the question) but I'm probably the biggest offender in that particular class that definitely doesn't have her priorities straight. It's sad.

I'm already feeling like this post isn't going anywhere/doesn't have a point.. maybe I'll revisit it later. I think I need to sleep.

Thinking... (long but important for me to get out)

So it's been approx. a year and half since I last blogged. That is a LONG freaking time. I'm not even going to attempt to catch up with all that has happened.. I just have somethings on my mind and I need to get them out. I started this blog as a way to just write my feelings and experiences mostly for myself. That's why I say it's "unedited". This post is going to be one of those "it just needs to get out" posts... Here goes (it may come out as a jumbled mess and not make sense but oh well):

Christina has been gone all weekend and I've actually had a lot of time to think about my situation since I have no other friends/ no one called to hang out. This isn't meant to be a pity party for me.. I'm just doing some serious thinking.

I have known for a long time that I have been lacking in several VERY important areas of my life. For quite a few years I haven't been saying my prayers or reading my scriptures.. ever. It's not just the weekends when I'm out of town I NEVER do those things. I've tried to think about when I stopped a bunch of times and the only think I can trace it back to is 2006. That was a REALLY tough year. Celeste died Dec 2005 so I was dealing with that and it was my last year at Pima so i had to make some big decisions about what school to go onto. The biggest thing that happened that year in my mind was that Alex rejected me.

The day before Celeste died Alex told me that he wanted to date her in the middle of our stake conference via texting to each other on his phone. I threw him a surprise birthday party at the end of January which helped take my mind off losing Celeste for those few weeks. I haven't looked back at my journal but in May (I think) we kissed. I never dated him but I was literally in love with him. He was my best friend and everything I wanted. I knew he wasn't perfect (I mean who is) but he was the one I wanted to be with- I was just waiting on him to figure out he wanted to be with me. I prayed every night and morning for some help, a sign, something to help me know if was the one for me. I knew he had his agency but I knew that Heavenly Father knew all and could tell me if he wanted to. The feelings or answers that I felt I got were positive- I felt I KNEW... boy was I wrong!

2 weeks after kissing him he had been acting weird so i told him we needed to talk (this happened semi-frequently throughout our friendship). We were at a friend's house and we talked to the neighborhood play area and sat on the bottom of the slide. I laid it ALL out for him. Told him EXACTLY how I felt and what I needed from him.. my guts and whole heart were out there on the playground floor. He told me that he didn't feel the same way. I was crushed but I told him the same thing I had told him every other time I had laid out my feelings for him- He was my best friend, I needed him and that was the most important thing to me. As long as he was somehow in my life I could do anything...

By July he was dating one of my other best friends (for the 2nd time).. and I decided that the ONLY way to get over him was moving away- I had tried EVERYTHING else I could think of while still being his friend. I applied to Arizona State and BYU. During my family camping trip in July I went off by myself to ponder and pray. During this time I decided that even if I didn't get into BYU I was going to move to Provo anyways- get a job and apply for Spring/Summer term. I DID get into BYU so i didn't have to use my fall back plan. At BYU I had religion classes that were required so I took those and counted them as my scripture study. BYU was hard- not necessarily the classes but not having a single person that already knew me around was hard. My roommates were great, classes weren't horrible.. I was missing important people though.

I feel like this is going more into my entire life history in 1 post than I wanted to. Anyways.. point of my Alex story is that I was WAY WRONG in my interpretation of the feelings/answers I got while praying. That has made me insecure about everything else I have ever prayed for since (except the where to move after graduation prayer- but now 2 yrs later I'm second guessing it). I have opened my scriptures of my own accord, alone, in my apt maybe 10-15 times in the last 2 yrs (and that's a generous guess I was gonna say ~5 times but I'm sure it's a little more than that).

I want to type out what I wrote today while in sacrament and Relief Society.

"Dec 2005/July 2006- life as I knew changed. Little did I know how those events would change my life and shape where I am now 5 yrs later. I have not prayed or read my scriptures on a regular basis since about this time. The last 2 yrs here in GA def haven't been great for me. I have been making my circle of people smaller and smaller instead of expanding it. My fear of being vulnerable again and opening myself to more hurt is preventing me. But I have found myself more alone than ever. I'm not helping my own cause. Christina's tendancy to be just like me makes that ok but now she's opening herself to something I can't be a part of and I'm alone (*insert* boyfriend, not anything bad).

I want my spirituality to be based on my relationship with Heavenly Father not my ability to make friends and relate to people at church. I feel like a lot of the people I've met here are very fake. Not just with me but with all those they call their "friends". I don't need large groups of people around me, actually I prefer small groups but even finding quality people to be in my circle is proving difficult. I am unhappy even though my life is going well. I really can't complain but why am I not happy (overall). I have happy moments and experiences but on a day-to-day basis I feel as though I'm literally going through the movements to collect a paycheck to do those little things that do make me happy for those moments. I know my unease/unhappiness with my life cones from my lack of prayer and study but I can't seem to get the motivation to pull myself from my distractions to do them.

I have a testimony- I KNOW the church is true and that alone is what keeps me going to church. BUT I want to look forward to going to church- not just feel like I'm enduring it. I want to say that the people/social aspect are why I don't like going but it's most likely also because I know I'm not doing all those things I know I'm supposed to be doing. I fall asleep in Sacrament and get distracted in RS and I never really get anything out of my church meetings. i'm not doing my best to win that precious gift of eternal life. I want to and I know the way but I've wandered into the darkness. I swore to myself years ago that I would NEVER let myself do that and yet here I sit. Satan uses our interests and desires to pull us away. Discouragement."

That's all I have for now.. but I think for just 1 day of thinking I've done ok. Now to take more time to figure out what I need to do next. For now.. I guess I'm off. And hopefully be able to come back in a few days (NOT a yr and a half later) and post more of my musings and crazy talk.

thinking...