Best Friends.. its long (and probably boring for anyone besides me.)

So I don't know why but every so often I get all introspective.. I just assume it comes with being a girl.. but I don't know if I'm right.

I've been thinking about my past relationships with people. More specifically with friends- male or female. I started my childhood in Arizona surrounded by my mom and her family. The closest person to my age was my Aunt Mary; she was 5 when I was born. I don't remember the move to Connecticut but I do remember one girl that I felt like I was friends with. Her name was Jamie Donnie and I realized in my middle school years sometime that she was close to my Aunt's age. When I was in 2nd grade she was in 6th and the way the school was set up our classrooms were close to each other. Once she moved to the junior high her family had moved out of the trailer park and I barely saw her after that.

In 4th grade I started cheerleading and became friends with a couple girls: Christy Tedford and Jennifer Compton mainly. I really liked those "Best Friend" necklaces that were split down the middle so each girl could wear one. Well I bought a set and gave the other one to Jennifer thinking that I was so cool because I was BFFs with Jen (who was one of the popular girls at school). But then I started hanging out and doing things with Christy more and wanted to be her BFF too. I'm sketchy on the details but for some reason Jen got mad at me and made me decide who got the keep the other half of my necklace. I just remember sitting at my desk in class crying because I didn't know what to do/ who to call my "best friend". (Side Note: This same year Jen was "dating" (I use the term loosely since we were only in 4th grade) this boy Nick Bianchi. Nick's best friend was a boy named Mike DeCecco. Since I was friends with Jen I got to play with Nick and Mike at recess and got a big crush on Mike. One day at recess Jen pretty much hooked us up.. haha funny to say it that way but I don't really know how else to explain it. I ended up "dating" Mike from November until February when I broke up with him because I liked another boy at the same time and I couldn't handle it.. haha). So to sum this part of the story up Christy became my best friend for awhile.

I considered Christy as my best friend until about 7th or 8th grade. We just slowly drifted apart being at our middle school and meeting other kids from the other elementary schools. I met Hollie Currie in 6th grade I think- maybe 7th- I can't remember which class it was that we met in. Hollie was very different from anyone else I had ever really been friends with. She was brass, mean and very degrading to pretty much everyone. (The little I know of her life now she hasn't changed a bit). I remember doing lots of things with her but the biggest thing that stands out in my mind when I think of our friendship is the hate note I wrote and gave to her. I was sick and tired of her always making fun of me and because I hate conflicts I wrote her a note telling her I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She thought it was a joke and just laughed. I think that was in 8th grade so we stayed friends and I dealt with her comments until she went to a one of the Tech high schools in the area. I had wanted to go to the other Tech school but my Mom just thought I wanted to be with Hollie.. I don't think she knew Hollie was going to Norwich Tech while I wanted to go to Grosso. Oh well.. I'm now glad I didn't go there anyways.

In high school I had a few more girl friends: Kim, Angela, Katy, Rachel, Vicki, Sarah, Sam, Rebecca. Angela and Kim were the ones I considered my "best friends" by the end of our 4 years but then we all went our separate ways. I was pretty much alone for a year after high school while all my friends were off at college and with their boyfriends/fiancees. I tried to keep in contact as much as possible but when you are the only one trying it gets tiring. I did meet a girl at my first job after high school- Liz. We are very different but she was cool. Her boyfriend, Dan, worked with us at the store too and they invited me along to different things. It was fun. (we are still friends and I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding). Then I moved to Arizona.

In Arizona I was there for the summer before officially moving so I didn't meet anyone until I started going to the singles ward. It took a few weeks but I met Celeste while walking into a CES fireside broadcast at the Rincon Stake Center on September 9, 2001. It took a few months of sitting with her and her friends at church but eventually I was invited to do things with them and that opened a lot of doors for me when it came to making friends in Tucson. We eventually became really good friends- taking trips and doing everything together. She even went to an Incubus concert with me even though she only kinda liked them. She left for her mission April 2004 and came home November 4, 2005. I was SOOO excited to have her home. Ready to start having fun again and helping her as much as I could with the transition which I knew very little about. I had just gotten to the point in October/November where I was ready to officially call her my best friend- just to myself not necessarily out-loud. At this point in my life I had realized already that everyone I had ever considered my best friend always left me so it was kind of a big deal for me to get to this point. (I sound crazy I know but whatever.. I am who I am). But 5 weeks after returning home from her mission she died on December 12, 2005.

Through Celeste I met one of my other best friends- Alex Mason. He left on his mission June of 2002 and returned June of 2004. Before his mission we were friends but not great friends. That changed slowly after he came home. Eventually he told me I was his best girl friend. I'm going to get into details on this friendship except to say I was in love with him. I left Tucson mostly because of him.. I just could never tell him that.. and I probably never will since I am no longer friends with him really.

I moved to Provo/BYU January 2, 2007. I made friends there in my wards and work but none in class really. Until Dean Magleby shut down our program and I started fighting against BYU. That's how I met Christina (on November 1 or 2, 2007). We protested, wrote petitions, marched, slept in a tent on the side of the road in 32 degree weather in March and other things before we realized we both loved music and concerts A LOT! haha Now we practically live together.. Well I guess we have since last year when we lived in the same complex because we couldn't get in the same apartment. I don't remember how it came about but the other day she said something about us being best friends and I replied well you already have best friends: Anne, Kate, and Kelly. It's not that I disagree with her about us being best friends.. it's the history that I've realized in my own life that once I get to that point in a friendship that we call each other our best friends that it all slips away for some reason. I blame myself for that a lot because I am no good I calling or keeping contact at all really. And I did choose to no longer call Alex my friend so i don't blame him for that but I wonder what else has caused this to happen over and over again for me. I'm not dwelling on it.. I'd just like to figure out if it was something about me so I can maybe work on it.. ya know? Haha I dunno.. maybe it’s the formality of it all.. I really make too much out of simple things don’t I? :)

Well this got really long and not that anyone cares to know the intimate details of my life and my crazy memory but this blog is for me. Anyone that wants to read is welcome but at their own risk :)

something real quick

So I haven't posted in awhile again.. well job hunting takes a lot of time. I thought I'd update real quick.

August 1st I started my new job though it's not a good job or anything I want to do.. seriously don't want to do. I'm an inventory associate- we go into different stores and do inventory for them. simple as that.. it's easy but annoying as all heck! I work really odd hours- mainly starting at 2,3,4 in the morning. Anyways today is my day to work on my resume before sending it to the missionaries at LDS employment services. Tonight I have to go inventory a Target in Tucker (= BARF!)

While I was at the LDS Employment office I went next door to the LDS Family services to see if they could give me some names of agencies in the area that might be hiring or even that I could just volunteer at. The secretary couldn't think of any but she went and asked the director but he didn't offer any suggestions either. The secretary did explain that they were getting a new adoption supervisor next month and that I could leave my name and information and she would pass it along to her. So wrote my contact info and just said that I was looking for a position or even just a chance to volunteer whether with LDS Family Services or without. Well I wasn't expecting anything right away but I got an email yesterday for the new supervisor and she wants to see my resume and meet with me when she gets here which isn't until September 8th but that's still not far off. I don't want to get too excited about it because I'm pretty sure the Church is still on a hiring freeze but even getting to volunteer would help me a lot- I've been out of the volunteering game for 4 months and I don't like it.

In a not so related topic (but maybe):

I go to the Kroger on the corner by our house for my groceries. A few weeks ago while I was checking out I could tell that both my checker and bagger suffered from diminished mental capacities. The bagger was really friendly and asked if I found everything ok and talked about what a nice day it was out. (according to my aunt that's what he says to everyone every time they come in- I thought it was cute anyways). So while I was standing there I just thought about how great it is that companies can find positions for individuals that have these kinds of problems/issues. I started getting all teary just thinking about it and I'm grateful to be able to have those sort of encounters with people everyday. Though they might not have a full mental capacity that the majority of the world have they have so much to give and are willing to give of themselves so much that you don't get from most of anyone else you come into contact with everyday. It happened again yesterday when I went to the same store and there was another gentleman standing at the door handing out the circulars that usually just sit on the metal holders for anyone to take. He offered me one and I didn't really need it so I said no thanks but have him a big smile and he smiled back.

Not I'm sitting here crying about this and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just because I wish i could be that genuine, happy, smiling person to everyone I come into contact with but I'm not. And maybe it's partly because I see how other people treat them- like the lady in front of me with the checker/bagger didn't even look at the man talking to her. She was so wrapped up in her own world (I think she had been on the phone) to even notice this man but she did answer his questions but wasn't so friendly towards him and seemed really impatient that it took them a few extra seconds to finish with her order. How can we be so arrogant to thing that we are the most important thing in the world? That our time is more precious than anyone else's?

It's crazy how the simplest thing can change my outlook so much. So I'm going to try to be kind and understanding to all people- not just the "special" ones though they definitely have a special place in my heart. Well I really do need to work on this resume but this probably won't be the end of this topic for me. I'll try to remember to write more experiences and thoughts as I encounter them. But for now.. BYE!

Changes........ and Celeste.

So I realized today that every time I make a big change in my life (mainly moving) that I miss Celeste like crazy. I'm going to my new ward tomorrow for the first time alone and it was 8 years ago this year that I went to my very first singles ward in Tucson and she was really the first person to befriend me. Through her I was able to make more and more friends and to meet the people that have shaped my life over these last 8 years. She's been gone 3.5 years now but I still feel the impact that she had on my life. I knew that she was one of the people that had changed my life so much before she died but now I attribute most of my successful friendships to her influence.

It's hard to make these big changes and not have her around to talk to about them. For help in making the decision and then transitioning into them. I mean I think about her and miss her everyday but I think that since her pictures have been packed away for 3 weeks it's hitting me a bit harder now that I'm taking them back out, cleaning them off and putting them back up. I haven't had that daily reminder on my wall for the past 3 weeks and I find myself alone in a house of family members but Jewish family members- I love them but they don't understand the afterlife like LDS members do. My friend was supposed to join me out here next week but because of some issues won't be joining me for another 3 weeks. So in other words.. I really hope/need tomorrow to go well at church. I need friends. I love my family here but they have their life figured out here.. I just barely showed up.

Well I'm tired and need to sleep for tomorrow.. I guess it's good church isn't until 1:30 pm. even though that is my least favorite time.. ever! (or anything later).

I was "yelled" at.. ;)

So a little while ago my friend Rachel wrote on my facebook wall telling me I needed to update my blog.. so now that I'm not really doing anything productive anyways I figured I would. :)

I just re-did my background and stuff too. I'm not sure how much I like it though.

I guess I'll recap a bit of the past couple of weeks- including my big "where-the-crap-do-I-move-after-graduation" decision.

I had been looking for housing here and there but I my heart wasn't really in it because I didn't want to stay in Provo anymore. My plan was to move to Salt Lake but then looking at housing up there I figured I could save money by staying in Provo over the summer with all the amazingly cheap deals everyone offers. I had one friend offer her apartment that she was moving out of but it was a shared room- I really need my own room. Then I found a place online that was $130 for a private room and that is amazing. I went and looked at it even and it was perfectly fine- everything I needed- private room, dishwasher, washer/dryer, parking lot, etc. and there was even a pool and hot tub.. sounds awesome right? But it wasn't feeling right. I posted my facebook status as something about hating looking for housing and another friend said she was selling her contract so we set up a time I could go check it out. It was a HUGE room in a nice looking house and everything but rent was $215 for summer and I was looking for something cheaper. I left telling her I would let her know within the next couple of days if I would take it or not. This was the Friday before General Conference.

General Conference in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is held twice a year with the first being on the first weekend in April and it's a big deal for every/most active members and it gives us an opportunity to hear from all of our church leaders and the counsel that they feel that we need to know. Going into the Conference I can't say I was really looking forward to it. I had a ton of schoolwork I was behind on but I took the time to sit and listen (until I fell asleep several times anyways) to the prophetic counsel that we were given that whole weekend. During the Sunday sessions it just seemed like the theme was about attending the temple and I needed to anyways since I hadn't the week before (which is when I usually go each month).

So I got up Monday (4/6) morning and headed to the Provo temple (it's the only one that I know of that is open on Mondays at all though it's only open for a few hours in the morning). I didn't get any special promptings or anything while I was there but it's the entire experience that makes it so special so I was ok with not feeling any specific promptings at the time. I went about the rest of my day- classes and stuff. While sitting in Child Welfare I was chatting with Christina (on gmail- instead of paying attention like I should have been) because the next day we were going to see Family Force 5 in SLC but we were sad our friend Isaac wasn't going to be there (he used to tour with the band but quit to pursue his film career).

So Christina jokingly said, "Let's move to Atlanta." (or something like that- paraphrasing) and within the space of 15 mins we decided that we were moving to Georgia after graduation. My aunt and uncle live in Roswell and have a basement apartment that my aunt previously had mentioned I could live in. So i wrote my aunt on facebook and asked some questions and she responded quickly. Then class was over so I walked home reeling at the thought of moving to the east coast again. I never wanted to live back there- don't get me wrong I would love to be closer to my family but I really HATE humidity so that alone made me not want to move there and that I wanted to go to grad school in the west/northwest- not the east/southeast. So when I got to Christina's apartment we freaked out a bit and talked more about it and decided that we both felt good about it.

So I went home and prayed about it that night and got the most clear answer I've ever gotten to anything- besides when I prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true. So I went to bed and the next day kept thinking about it and every time I asked myself "really?!... Really?!... huh?" It came back just as strong.. YES! So I'm moving to Georgia. I was going to leave right after my family left from visiting for graduation but I was able to work it out with a friend that I could stay with her a few weeks so I could work a bit and get everything else worked out before leaving Utah (hopefully forever).

So it's been nearly a month (Monday= 1 month) and I've got most of my stuff in a storage unit and I have a truck and trailer reserved for the drive. I'm leaving on May 19th and I plan on taking about 3 days to drive out. My friend I'm staying with is from Georgia so she's going to drive out with me and surprise her mom and sisters. We'll stop somewhere around Nebraska for a night and then hopefully at my friends place in Nashville (speaking of which I hope they'll be home.. I haven't asked them yet.. oops- well they are on a vacation now so I'll ask when they get back). So I'll be getting to Georgia on the 21st. Christina is coming out soon after but I don't know when exactly (she's going by greyhound so she hasn't made her reservation yet). This is a new adventure.. whoo!

It was funny when I told my family. My mom was really surprised- Georgia wasn't on my list of possible places to move- but she would support whatever I decided to do. Telling my sisters was funny too. Jess thought I was joking and Kym started crying. Jess said she was just gonna move in with me but it was hard to tell her I didn't have room because Christina was moving in too. So she said she would come up every other weekend to see me- I love her.

Well I think that's all for now.



How was that Rachel? Good update? ;)

end of my final semester of college...

I'm supposed to be working on a 20 page paper right now. I hate school.. I hate writing things that have to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I'm a procrastinator and this fact makes school that much harder for me. Why am i considering grad school? Well back to my paper.. :( only one weekend left of hell and then I'm done.. I have to remember to tell myself that.

I don't have time but I'm going to rant anyways..

AUGH!!!!l ks;lkdfj;slkd;n;lkfm;slkdtewoi

That's how I feel right now. Just got a ride back from the auto shop and they are telling me all the things that need to be fixed on my car are going to cost close to $1000- that I don't have! I mean I don't want it to seem like I blame them but I hate having to get all these things fixed at the same time and it ends up costing SO MUCH!I'm already stressing about school and trying to find a place to live in Salt Lake and a job to be able to pay back all my debt from school and my car and just everything. I hate this! I should be studying because I have 2 midterms I have to take this weekend.. but I'm so tired.. I just want a nap.. just a little one. AND I have to plan a stupid ward activity that I don't even care about- and apparently neither does my partner because he hasn't contacted me either.

That's it.. forget it all. I'm done. I quit!

It's been awhile...

Monday I was talking with my Dad on the way home from my class and I was trying to hurry up so I could go to FHE. We ended up talking for a really long time (in my book) and he kept on trying to tell me what I should do about all these different things. (I'm graduating and trying to decide where to move to afterwards.) anyways.. I don't want to write out the full story of that day.

So the next day, Tuesday, I got a call from him while I was in class so he left a message and said he wanted to chit-chat. I don't talk to most of my family a whole lot so calling 2 days in a row is kind of a big deal. He sounded kind f depressed or something. Because of the time difference it was too late to call when I got out so i called him back today.

He told me that he was worried about me because I wouldn't technically be done with school until June with the way I worked my schedule. He was worried that I might want to walk in August instead of April and about the prospects of me getting a job after graduation without my degree being on transcript. For the most part his fears were valid.. I'm scared of that too- especially in our current economic climate. I was telling him the pros and cons and what I thought about each place I was considering moving and I started with Arizona.


I told him how I would probably move back to Phoenix not Tucson IF I moved back to Arizona at all. And trying to let him know that it's hard for me to be there because I seem to be looking for something that isn't there anymore. My previous life that I can never get back. I got emotional and starting crying. He asked me if I ever had thought about finding my biological father (the man I call my dad isn't my biological father- he married my mom when I was 3). And that just started making me cry more. He wanted me to be honest with him and since he was the one that asked I told him. He said he didn't want to upset me but wanted me to be honest. I told him that of course I've thought about finding him- I don't know a kid out there that knows something like that and hasn't thought about it in one way or another. I told him though that the only reason I would even try to find him is to get medical history so i know if I'm at risk of having some rare heretical monster disease or something but so far I've been pretty dang healthy- mentally and physically.

He said, "Ya that would be good to get that information but I think that it would be good for you to find him. I don't know how but I think it would be good." that statement floored me.. that's the only way to describe it. So we went on talking but that was a part that this entire blog was pretty much about.. haha and the fact that I don't know what I"m doing with my life in the next 3 or 4 months or so. Adulthood sucks!!! Why was I in such a rush to graduate? aughhh....